Storm In A B-Cup

Daily Prompt: Write Here, Write Now

I am promising myself I will get back into blogging – it is a resolution of mine.  Not necessarily for the new year, or for any particular reason other than I need something to focus myself on and to continue to express myself in a way that is meaningful to me, if not to anyone else.

That’s why I am writing this post in response to the daily prompt: Write here, write now.  It’s a challenge to myself: I will write every day,  something new.  Something that makes me think or reflect or that interests me.

Right now, my life is in a place of great change.  I feel scared, excited, lost, terrified.  I have no direction, and yet a whole new direction.  I am scared that I will be a bad mother, that I can’t make the right decisions for a whole new person who is completely dependent on me.  I feel terribly selfish because I am afraid that in this whole process of making someone else, that I might lose myself.

I already love my baby – in an intellectual kind of way – I know that I want the best for him or her, and that I don’t want anything bad to ever happen to him or her.  But I also feel as though I am a bad parent for not already feeling that deep, instinctive connection and love for my child that so many parents say that they can feel as soon as they see that first scan or hear his or her little heart beating.

Now – completely unrelated – I’m also not sure that I am following this prompt quite correctly.  But to be honest, I don’t think I care all that much.  I am writing, and I am feeling and I am expressing something that I have been afraid to express aloud.  And I think that that is one of the most important parts of blogging for me.  Connecting with myself.  And hopefully, someone else out there can relate and maybe feels some of the same things.  And maybe, just maybe, they feel a little bit less alone now.  I know I do.

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A New Start

I know I’ve said this several times before, but I think this time I’m really back to stay.  We have moved to a new house – one of our own this time, and for longer than six months, I swear.  We have real internet – no more of this blogging from my phone nonsense which was a big reason for my not posting for so long.  And I have some VERY very exciting news.  A couple of posts ago – more than a few months ago, I’m incredibly ashamed to admit – I wrote about pregnancy scares and trying to conceive.  Several months ago, my husband and I decided that rather than “trying” to get pregnant, we would just…stop “not trying to get pregnant”.  I assumed that with my current weight and PCOS and all of those fun things it would take at least six months, probably more along the lines of a year or two.  NOPE.  I am excited, and very SCARED to announce that after four months of “not not trying”, we are expecting our first baby.  He or she is due to arrive at the end of July this year, making me 14 weeks and 5 days pregnant right now.

It has been a wild ride so far.  I am excited and extremely terrified at the same time.  I worry one moment that we aren’t ready, that we can’t afford a baby yet, that I haven’t finished – and now, due to timing and some other circumstances, won’t finish – my nursing degree.  But in the next moment I am thrilled, excited, over the moon.

In my first trimester, I was very lucky.  I had only the most mild morning sickness.  I felt queasy a lot of the time, but it never really went beyond that.  I feel like I haven’t really experienced pregnancy yet because I haven’t had a lot of symptoms.  Because of that, I think that it doesn’t really feel like it’s really happening to me.  I have been tired, and I am NOT coping with all of the recent heat waves, I constantly feel like my face is burning off.  But I feel lucky.  Because unlike the other two girls at my workplace who are pregnant, I’m not throwing up 17 times a day, or experiencing awful heartburn or insomnia or any of those things.  For the most part I feel normal.  And that worries me too.  Because if I feel normal, maybe there’s something wrong with the baby.  In fact, up until my scan at 13 weeks, I was almost convinced that I was imagining the whole thing and that there was no baby at all.

Happily, I was wrong and with great joy watched my little one jumping around, and heard his or her heartbeat for the first time.  It truly was an indescribable moment.  People kept telling me that the first time I saw my baby, and heard its heart beat would be the most incredible moment of my life.  But I had no idea just how powerful it would be until it happened.  That ultrasound is what made this whole experience real for both myself and my husband.  Yes, we are both still worried, but I think most normal parents worry.  But now mostly, we are excited to meet our little one in six all too long – and all too short! – months.

I am so excited to share a couple of images from the ultrasound with you! This scan was performed at 13w1d.

baby1 baby2 baby3

Until next time!  And I promise it won’t be a matter of months this time!

 

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