Storm In A B-Cup

Parenthood: The Early Days

In the next few days, hubby will be posting a guest post (or 2) about his perspective on baby G’s birth, but until then I’d like to write a little about baby G’s early life, before the details grow too fuzzy to remember.

The first few days of my daughter’s life passed in a blur, as I’m sure they do for many new parents. On day 2, it was discovered that baby G had a severe case of jaundice (why noone noticed earlier, I don’t know). For the 2 days prior, I had noticed that she was very sleepy – more than she should be, though the midwives insisted it was normal – and difficult to wake enough to eat properly.hospital1

I knew these were signs of jaundice, but time and time again I was told that she was acting like all newborns and everything was fine. When a new midwife finally saw her on day 2, she was shocked by how yellow she was and performed a TCB test – a series of lights pulsed on the forehead which judges the amount of bilirubin in the blood. It isn’t as effective as a blood test, but gives a good estimate. This test came back with readings much, much higher than they should for a baby 48 hours old, so we were sent around to the special care nursery. At this stage, I thought this was for a closer look and a blood test. I insisted upon taking baby G around myself, and so soon after a caesarian, the trip was slow at best.

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My precious baby, all bundled up, not allowed to even touch her ūüė¶

When we arrived, there was a lot of fuss and bustle. A blood test was taken; baby G stripped down to just her nappy; a cannula inserted in her arm to administer extra fluids and any medications necessary; and a nasogastric tube inserted for feeding as I was told that for a little while, all of her feeds would need to be given via tube since she would not be allowed to come out from under her lights for any longer than it would take to change a nappy. She was placed on a bilibed, with several banks of lights all around her. I stood back, watching all of this activity and feeling utterly helpless. I was shown to the pumping room and instructed that even though my milk had not come in yet, I should pump every three hours for fifteen minutes on each side, to encourage my milk to come in and to give baby G as much breastmilk/colostrum as possible.

The whole process was very overwhelming, and completely daunting, and for a brand new mum, incredibly scary. I was sure that somehow, this was all my fault. I was desperately trying to pump enough milk to feed my baby the amount that the doctors said she needed to flush out the jaundice, which turned out to be so high that had it been a couple of points higher, she would have needed a full exchange blood transfusion. As it was, baby G was under very careful watch, and her bloods were being tested several times a day to ensure her levels did not creep too much higher. No matter how much or often I pumped, it was never enough. Every feed had to be topped up with formula, and it devastated me to see that I couldn’t provide my baby with the one thing she needed – my breast milk.

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Middle of the night visit to the special care nursery

With each day, I had hope that baby G could come out from under the lights, or at least be able to come out long enough to breast feed, and a few days later I got my wish and was allowed to feed her myself – as long as I met the strict three hourly schedule, and allowed a formula top up through the nasogastric tube to ensure she was eating enough.

Five days after baby G’s birth, I was discharged from hospital. I had been ready to leave on day 3, physically, however since I lived so far away from the hospital and baby G was being kept, I remained admitted for as long as was allowed. Five days was the maximum, and my little princess was not seeming anywhere near her release, so alas, I was discharged without my baby.

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Coming home!

On day six, baby G was finally out from under her lights, but her bilirubin levels had rebounded. No one was sure if we would be allowed to go home yet. On the morning of day 7, even though her levels seemed to be continuing to creep up, we were sent home, with baby G’s care transferred to that of our local country hospital. Though my local hospital didn’t have special care, baby G was well enough that their facilities would be able to care for her now, if her condition worsened at all.

Bringing baby G home was surreal, and the days after we arrived home are absolutely a blur in my mind now. Just a big jumble of feeding and changing nappies and all three of us cuddling together. Of middle of the night sitting up in bed, baby attached, me trying desperately to stay awake while I fed her. It seemed as though it would never end. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and the most amazing. I loved every single magical second in the middle of the night when it was just baby G and I, in the dark silence.

A couple of days later, we headed to our local hospital for baby G’s checkup. Her bloodwork was done, and her bilirubin levels had increased again. Had we been at the city hospital, I believe she would have been put back into phototherapy for a further 24 hours, however the paediatrician at home was happy to wait another two days and test again before making a decision. Luckily for us, two days later her levels had evened out, and we were completely discharged from the hospital system.

Baby G’s first two weeks of life were amazing and scary and harrowing and wonderful and unforgettable (yet completely blurry!) all at once. And while in some ways I’m glad that the hardest newborn days are past, in many other ways I just can’t wait to do it all again!

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The Birth Story of Baby G, part 1: The Labour

When I was around 36 weeks pregnant, I started experiencing what I now know to have been pre labour symptoms. I was having period like cramping, a lot of pain in my lower back, losing what I know to have been my mucus plug (and had been since 29 weeks, despite what the midwives told me), and having fairly regular braxton hicks contractions. I spent a long, LONG week and a half dealing with these symptoms between the couch, bed, floor, bouncing on my exercise ball, and perhaps most commonly, draped over the top of my exercise ball on the floor. I was certainly not sleeping for more than about half an hour at a time, between the SPD pain, back pain, needing to pee constantly and just general discomfort.

By the time 37 weeks and 4 days came around, I felt like I really could not endure any more.  The morning I was 37+4 (a Thursday), I was lying in bed around 7am and felt a distinctly different feeling. I sprung out of bed and to the bathroom, leaving an unmistakable trail behind me. I was one of the 10% of women whose water breaks before any sign of true labour beginning. I remember feeling oddly calm. The air felt different. Today was probably going to be the day that I met my precious baby girl, and all I could think was that I had ruined a pair of trackpants and possibly some bedsheets.

Within a few minutes I had phoned the birthing suite at my hospital (an hour and a half’s drive away, disregarding any traffic). The midwives were reluctant to believe that my membranes had spontaneously ruptured this early but when I told them exactly what had happened, told me to come in, but not to rush. So T and I each took a shower, and we stopped at good old McDonald’s for breakfast on our way to the hospital.

Two hours later, we were arriving at the hospital, and I was being hooked up to a CTG machine for some monitoring to see how baby was doing. Within a fairly short amount of time I was taken to a labour room (where some of the midwives were very unhappy to see me – I was taking up valuable space which may be needed for someone who “actually needed” it). The midwives asked for a urine sample and to see a pad as they still didn’t really believe my water had broken, however when I handed them a cup overflowing with liquid that was CLEARLY more amniotic fluid than urine, they declined to do the swab to test if my water had broken or not. The hospital was ready to send me home through early labour – I wasn’t happy about this as I live so far away from the hospital and had no idea how fast or slow labour would be – when someone thought to check my group B strep status, which had only been tested about a week ago, and I had never been notified of any results. I suppose I would have been at my next antenatal appointment, scheduled for a few days’ time. When they discovered that the swab had come back positive for group B strep, I knew I was officially in for the long haul as I had to be administered IV antibiotics every 4 hours until baby was born.

So once the hospital finally found someone who could place my cannula – apparently I was particularly difficult, with deep veins plus the edema that I was now experiencing in my whole body, I settled in to wait for an induction of labour as the hospital didn’t want my waters to remain broken with no baby for too long and a positive GBS swab. At 11am, the midwife came in to tell me that in a few minutes someone would be in to start the syntocinon drip (pitocin to all those in the US). A few minutes turned into a few hours, and by 5pm with no drip yet, my contractions had definitely started all on their own. Meanwhile it had taken me all day to even get a hold of a pillow for myself (can you tell why I might have ended up with such a traumatic birth?).¬†labour1

Early labour went pretty much as I had expected, and with the support of my wonderful husband, I thought everything was going very smoothly, but by 11pm or so I was requesting an epidural with some degree of insistence. I had been checked around 7 or 8pm, and been found to be at about 4cm dilated, so I was of the belief that the staff would be OK with me getting an epidural, however they continued to try to stall me. The doctor who performed my internal to determine that I was about 4cm was very brusque, rough and caused me a lot of pain, and he is the one who kept telling the midwives I couldn’t have an epidural yet. I was VERY firm in not wanting to see him again.

First I was given some type of tablet for pain relief and another to “help me rest”. This only really took off the edge, and I most certainly wasn’t sleeping. By perhaps 2am (the details are already becoming so fuzzy), I was vomiting and shaking and seriously not coping with the pain again, so I again started asking for an epidural and again being told it was “Still too early” because it was my first baby, so I couldn’t possibly have progressed very far. So I was given a morphine injection, the only result of which for me was some dizziness and next to no pain relief.

By the time 5am rolled around, I was very much not coping with the pain and my contractions were only around a minute apart, and lasting for close to that whole minute. I was getting one strong one, a longer gap and then two weaker ones right on top of one another in a repeating pattern, a pattern which I was later told is common in women labouring with posterior babies. The midwives FINALLY agreed to getting the anaesthetist to administer my epidural and in the meantime offered me nitrous oxide gas. The nitrous oxide, while not providing much pain relief, gave me a much needed focal point, allowing me to get through a bit more. It did take off an edge, but made me very uncomfortably dizzy and my voice very manly and deep, which made my husband laugh to no end.

At 6 am, 13 hours after I was considered officially in labour, I finally got my epidural. It took five attempts to place correctly, as the anaesthetist had to try to place it in between contractions Рand there was not much time at all Рand he said my epidural space was very deep, almost too deep to reach. He told me that the needle to place the epidural is 8cm long and my epidural space was 8cm in, so it was quite difficult to place, the most difficult he had placed in a long time, he says. While placing the epidural, he got quite frustrated with my midwife for not listening to me sooner about wanting an epidural as he suspected I may be at least 8cm dilated. labour2

In my case, it was lucky that my progress had not been checked before the epidural was placed, since if I had been checked, I would not have been allowed the epidural. As the anaethetist had suspected, I was dilated to 8cm and was transitional. Luckily, within two contractions of the epidural being placed, I was blessedly no longer feeling anything to do with the contractions but could still move my legs and feet around pretty well. I had a catheter placed, and settled in to wait. No sleep was to be had, but at least I was able to rest.

I had written out the entire birth story in one post, but it was simply too long, so I think that here might be a good place to break – part 2 will be coming very soon!

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Back again, Hopefully to stay (?)

It has been so so so so long since I posted, yet again. Last time I posted, I believe I was about 19 weeks into my pregnancy and about to find out baby’s gender. ¬†Now, I have the most beautiful 4 month old baby on the PLANET, and my life has changed in the most unbelievable ways.

I want to make a bunch of updates, but it’s far far far too much to put into a single post so for now, I’ll write just the most important stuff, perhaps just some of the rest of my pregnancy and then my next post might be the birth story which I have been just dying to share, but only now feeling ready to talk about, since it was such a traumatic experience for me – and baby – unfortunately.

As at the last post, I was going to find out baby’s gender in the next few days or week, and I was so so excited. ¬†Ever since I was a little girl, I “knew” that my first baby was going to be a girl, and when I became pregnant that feeling only intensified. Up until I found out the gender though, I tried to make sure not to get my hopes up as of course I would love whoever arrived in my arms, as long as he or she was healthy and happy. As we drew closer to the exciting day of the ultrasound, I had myself almost utterly convinced that I was having a little boy, and my husband and I even had a name picked out for our future son while we were very up in the air about girl names.

On the day of the scan I drank my mandatory 1.5L of water and we drove to the clinic half an hour away. When we were told that the tech was running about 45 minutes late, I was a little beside myself – I don’t know how I made it that long without wetting myself. The scan went very well, although bub was measuring a little early at this point, and as such they had a little trouble getting all of the pictures they needed. I tried not to be too pushy about the gender, but I think I still asked…oh, maybe 4 or 5 times? At the end, the tech told me that she was 98% sure that baby was a girl, and I was so shocked and happy, and excited all at once, I think I was floating for about a week afterwards.

That day we bought our very first baby outfit and made our little facebook gender announcement. Ironically, the onesie we bought that day, baby girl G never wore once, we ended up with SO MUCH stuff for her!

I had a wonderful pregnancy for the most part, however ended up finishing work a month earlier than I had planned when I developed severe SPD. I battled through for a few weeks but ended up stopping work at about 32 weeks, when I started not only having a lot of trouble with SPD but having consistent, painful braxton hicks contractions as soon as I was on my feet for any longer than about an hour at a time.

So much else happened throughout the course of my pregnancy, and I really wish I had kept blogging throughout so that I could have everything documented but I know now that if I tried to write about it all, it would be a huge convoluted mess, so I won’t even try – I’ll skip from here to the labour and birth story, which begins at 37 weeks and 4 days. But first I’ll share a couple of pregnancy photos – I couldn’t resist!

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Pregnancy Musings at 15 Weeks

Since this is the first week that I am blogging since getting pregnant, I suppose I have some catching up to do.

We found out on the 6th of November, I was around about 6 weeks along but I had been suspecting for a little while for a few reasons – Firstly, my boobs had grown and were really sore – something that never happens to me, ever. ¬†Before a period or otherwise. ¬†Secondly, my period was late. ¬†It was day 46 of my cycle when I finally broke down and tested. ¬†BUT the previous month’s cycle was 43 days long, so I don’t think this was too far out of range. ¬†Though I wonder if the previous month may have actually been a chemical pregnancy. ¬†But that’s neither here nor there. ¬†I was unreasonably tired. ¬†And – and this may have been my biggest hint – I just had a “feeling”.

It was a terrifying day. ¬†As much as I wanted a baby, I also knew that this probably wasn’t the best time for us, in all practicality. ¬†My husband and I spent that day just scared out of our minds. ¬†And we stayed that way for a long time. ¬†Gradually, the fear has been giving way to excitement, and there has definitely always been happiness!

My first trimester was pretty good – I was very lucky as far as symptoms go. ¬†I had next to no morning sickness, and I just kept on waiting for it! ¬†I was however incredibly tired. ¬†ALL. THE. TIME. ¬†My breasts HURT. ¬†Lots. ¬†And grew – by 8 weeks I was up at least a cup size, and soon I only had one bra that even¬†kind of¬†fit. ¬†I had a BUNCH of hot flashes. ¬†It’s summer here, so it’s already hot, but even on mild days, I literally felt like my face was burning off, and I was dizzy and just felt horrible with that. ¬†And something I really wasn’t expecting was the low blood pressure. ¬†My blood pressure has always been on the low side, but once I was pregnant, I found that if I stood still for more than a few minutes, especially if I hadn’t had something to eat or drink for a while, I would get super, super dizzy, lightheaded, start seeing spots and just be sure I was going to pass out. ¬†As long as I was well hydrated and kept moving I was ok!

This trimester, I have really not had a huge change in symptoms. ¬†I was SO looking forward to that boost in energy but so far it has remained elusive. ¬†Seriously. ¬†It’s all lies. ¬†I go to work, I come home, I collapse on the couch because I seriously cannot go on. ¬†I’m asleep every night by 9. ¬†And I can sleep in until 9 or later the next morning given opportunity. ¬†And I will still be tired. ¬†I’m calling BS on the second trimester energy burst, at least for me.

Since I have come into the second trimester, I have found my skin is starting to break out, although I really thought that was supposed to be clearing up by now.

Baby brain is a very very very real thing. ¬†I’m finding that especially at work, things are just slipping my mind that really shouldn’t be. ¬†The other day I asked someone where the stapler was. ¬†It was IN MY HAND. ¬†They must have thought I was crazy. ¬†It’s not very good!

Just in the last few nights I’ve found myself not sleeping well. ¬†I don’t really know why. ¬†It isn’t like I’m too hot, too cold, uncomfortable or anything like that. ¬†I just can’t sleep. ¬†Very strange.

I feel like I’m being so negative, but I suppose the biggest positive is that other than those few things I’ve mentioned, I really feel completely normal. ¬†My husband is being so supportive and helpful. ¬†I love him a lot!! He is just fantastic.

And – I know it’s super early – but yesterday, my parents pulled the cradle I slept in out of the roof for us so as soon as I get T to put that together I’ll post photos! ¬†We still have to buy a mattress, I think it might not be a standard size any more, but we’ll work it out. ¬†It’s so exciting! ¬†And not that long until we can find out if it’s a boy or girl! It really is all super exciting!!

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Daily Prompt: Write Here, Write Now

I am promising myself I will get back into blogging Рit is a resolution of mine.  Not necessarily for the new year, or for any particular reason other than I need something to focus myself on and to continue to express myself in a way that is meaningful to me, if not to anyone else.

That’s why I am writing this post in response to the daily prompt: Write here, write now. ¬†It’s a challenge to myself: I will write every day, ¬†something new. ¬†Something that makes me think or reflect or that interests me.

Right now, my life is in a place of great change. ¬†I feel scared, excited, lost, terrified. ¬†I have no direction, and yet a whole new direction. ¬†I am scared that I will be a bad mother, that I can’t make the right decisions for a whole new person who is completely dependent on me. ¬†I feel terribly selfish because I am afraid that in this whole process of making someone else, that I might lose myself.

I already love my baby – in an intellectual kind of way – I know that I want the best for him or her, and that I don’t want anything bad to ever happen to him or her. ¬†But I also feel as though I am a bad parent for not already feeling that deep, instinctive connection and love for my child that so many parents say that they can feel as soon as they see that first scan or hear his or her little heart beating.

Now – completely unrelated – I’m also not sure that I am following this prompt quite correctly. ¬†But to be honest, I don’t think I care all that much. ¬†I am writing, and I am feeling and I am expressing something that I have been afraid to express aloud. ¬†And I think that that is one of the most important parts of blogging for me. ¬†Connecting with myself. ¬†And hopefully, someone else out there can relate and maybe feels some of the same things. ¬†And maybe, just maybe, they feel a little bit less alone now. ¬†I know I do.

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A New Start

I know I’ve said this several times before, but I think this time I’m really back to stay. ¬†We have moved to a new house – one of our own this time, and for longer than six months, I swear. ¬†We have real internet – no more of this blogging from my phone nonsense which was a big reason for my not posting for so long. ¬†And I have some VERY very exciting news. ¬†A couple of posts ago – more than a few months ago, I’m incredibly ashamed to admit – I wrote about pregnancy scares and trying to conceive. ¬†Several months ago, my husband and I decided that rather than “trying” to get pregnant, we would just…stop “not trying to get pregnant”. ¬†I assumed that with my current weight and PCOS and all of those fun things it would take at least six months, probably more along the lines of a year or two. ¬†NOPE. ¬†I am excited, and very SCARED to announce that after four months of “not not trying”, we are expecting our first baby. ¬†He or she is due to arrive at the end of July this year, making me 14 weeks and 5 days pregnant right now.

It has been a wild ride so far. ¬†I am excited and extremely terrified at the same time. ¬†I worry one moment that we aren’t ready, that we can’t afford a baby yet, that I haven’t finished – and now, due to timing and some other circumstances, won’t finish – my nursing degree. ¬†But in the next moment I am thrilled, excited, over the moon.

In my first trimester, I was very lucky. ¬†I had only the most mild morning sickness. ¬†I felt queasy a lot of the time, but it never really went beyond that. ¬†I feel like I haven’t really experienced pregnancy yet because I haven’t had a lot of symptoms. ¬†Because of that, I think that it doesn’t really feel like it’s really happening to me. ¬†I have been tired, and I am NOT coping with all of the recent heat waves, I constantly feel like my face is burning off. ¬†But I feel lucky. ¬†Because unlike the other two girls at my workplace who are pregnant, I’m not throwing up 17 times a day, or experiencing awful heartburn or insomnia or any of those things. ¬†For the most part I feel normal. ¬†And that worries me too. ¬†Because if I feel normal, maybe there’s something wrong with the baby. ¬†In fact, up until my scan at 13 weeks, I was almost convinced that I was imagining the whole thing and that there was no baby at all.

Happily, I was wrong and with great joy watched my little one jumping around, and heard his or her heartbeat for the first time.  It truly was an indescribable moment.  People kept telling me that the first time I saw my baby, and heard its heart beat would be the most incredible moment of my life.  But I had no idea just how powerful it would be until it happened.  That ultrasound is what made this whole experience real for both myself and my husband.  Yes, we are both still worried, but I think most normal parents worry.  But now mostly, we are excited to meet our little one in six all too long Рand all too short! Рmonths.

I am so excited to share a couple of images from the ultrasound with you! This scan was performed at 13w1d.

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Until next time! ¬†And I promise it won’t be a matter of months this time!

 

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Trying To Conceive Acronyms Demystified

When I said in my last post that I had been doing “a little reading”, I may have been exaggerating. Quite a lot. I am one of those people who totally immerses themselves in something, and one who feels most in control when they know everything they can possibly find out about a topic.

With that said, I can also say that I found myself deep in a part of the internet that has a strong, strong community and what seems like a language of its own. This language seems mostly to consist of strange acronyms, and I spent a long time trying to decipher and learn the proper meanings of many of them. So today I am sharing this list of acronyms with you in the hope that it might help someone like me who feels a bit lost in the online world of trying to conceive. The list is in no particular order, but I have tried to start with the most simple/common acronyms and work my way to the more complex.

TTC: trying to conceive (obvious, but stay with me)

AF: Aunt Flo – in other words, a period.

BD: the Baby Dance, or sex.

TWW: the Two Week Wait, this is the time between ovulation and when your period is due, when you are waiting – to test or for your period to start.

BFP: big fat positive (in relation to a pregnancy test

BFN: big fat negative (also in relation to a pregnancy test)

CD-: cycle day, followed by the number day of a person’s cycle

-DPO: number of days past ovulation. Most women wait at until at least 12DPO to take a pregnancy test, as this is about the earliest in a cycle you can reliably expect a test to be correct.

CM: cervical mucus. Tracking the state of your cervical mucus throughout your cycle can be a good way to help determine when you are most fertile.

EWCM: Egg white cervical mucus. This is considered the most fertile type of cervical mucus, it had much the same consistency of egg white (hence the name), and enables sperm to enter the uterus most easily. Watery cervical mucus is also considered fertile.

POAS: to pee on a stick, or take a urine pregnancy test.

HPT: home pregnancy test

FMU: first morning urine. Many pregnancy tests suggest that testing with FMU will give the most accurate results.

SMU: second morning urine. Many OPKs suggest testing with SMU for best results.

OPKS: Ovulation predictor kit. Test strips that can help to determine when a woman is ovulating based on her LH levels.

LH: Luteinizing hormone. This hormone surges in a woman’s body around (usually within 12-24 hours before) ovulation, and OPKs detect this surge.

FF: Fertility Friend, a website and app that many women use to track their cycle in order to be most aware of their fertility. There are many other apps and websites around, but this seems to be one of the most widely used.

NTNP: Not trying, not preventing

SMEP: sperm meets egg plan, a plan that many swear by for conception. You can read more about it here.

HCG: human chorionic gonadotropin. This is the pregnancy hormone that HPTs read. HCG will steadily increase at the start of pregnancy, and once it reaches a certain level, a urine test will read positive. A small number of women do not metabolize this hormone correctly and so will consistently get negative pregnancy tests, regardless of whether they are actually pregnant or not.

SO: significant other. Also DH (dear husband), DW (dear wife), DD (dear daughter), DS (dear son), etc.

MC: Miscarrage

CP: chemical pregnancy. A pregnancy that could be detected using an HPT but which ends before it could be detected by ultrasound etc.

LO: Little one

LP: Luteal phase. The part of your menstrual cycle between ovulation and menstruation – otherwise known as the TWW! Most women, even those with an irregular cycle, will have a LP of a consistent length.

Some acronyms more related to infertility:
RE: reproductive endocrinologist

IVF: in vitro fertilisation

SA: semen analysis

MFI: Male factor infertility

These seem to be some of the more common acronyms that I have come across, let me know if I have missed any glaringly obvious ones and I’ll add them right in ūüôā

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When Do We Stop Calling it A Scare?

A couple of months ago, I had an interesting experience. My period was late. Very late. I was on cycle day 39, with no sign of the monthly visitor in sight. And I started thinking. I let my mind wander to what it might be like if I was, in fact, pregnant. I talked to my husband about it, I did some reading, I floated around the internet – some blogs, pregnancy websites and finally baby shopping sites online. I found myself thinking that it might not be so bad if I was pregnant. I thought about the logistics of how it would work and realized…that it could work.

And then, I decided to take a pregnancy test. Negative. Instead of the rush of relief I could have felt – should have felt, and have felt a few times in the past, I felt…sadness? Loss? I found myself hoping that the test was wrong, but within a few hours – oh the irony – my period started.

It all started me thinking. Because we aren’t “trying” to get pregnant – at all, at this point, do we still call it a pregnancy scare? I know the couple of times it has happened before in the past few years, it has DEFINITELY been scary. But I think by definition, perhaps this wasn’t a “pregnancy scare”.

In the couple I months since then, my husband and I have done a lot of talking. While we agree that it wouldn’t be the most ideal time in our lives to start a family, I’m starting to believe that there is never really a perfect time to have a baby. We both want to be parents, we have stable jobs, and both are working towards careers in fields we enjoy – by correspondence, a lifestyle that would allow us to be parents if it happened. So we have kind of fallen into a “decision” not to try to become pregnant, but to stop preventing pregnancy.

It seems like a good route to take for us, considering my diagnosis of pcos. I know that it could potentially take us years, and we may need fertility treatment, depending on how often I ovulate on my own.

The whole idea is a little scary, and I have found myself researching trying to conceive online. I have a deep fear that I may not be able to become pregnant easily. So I feel like I need to take control. While we really are just “not trying, not preventing” at the moment, I think that reading up on the subject keeps me informed, and I like to know everything I can know about a subject. I may not be using a lot of the fertility advice out there, but it makes me feel like I’m doing something!

I’m starting to embark on a whole new journey in this part of my life, and it’s exciting and scary and thrilling all at the same time.

How did you feel the first time you decided it was time to stop trying not to be parents?

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Springtime Is Here

Spring is here. Officially. Undeniably. Spring is one of my favourite times of year. I revel in the sunshine, the warm breeze, the fresh, almost happy smell in the air. It feels like a whole new start for the world, and I just want to live outside and soak it all up forever. I take long walks through our local parks, where the local festival to my area “Tulip Time” is just taking off, and the display is nothing short of spectacular. It is lit beautifully at night time, and during the day, the colours are just as lovely. Each year the display is different, and this year it is spectacular. When I get a chance, I’ll take some photos and put them up, but for now, I have borrowed a few from around the web (and previous years) to give an idea of what it’s like.

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The weather is nice enough to take a day trip to the beach or the lake, or have a backyard barbecue. It is seriously perfect.

It is also seriously sneeze-inducing. I am one of those people who is just allergic to everything. Everything, but especially grass. And pollen. And dust. But mostly grass. I always forget that every year I get excited about spring, only to be disappointed by my eyes beginning to stream, my nose turning into a faucet and my lungs closing up until I feel like I can hardly get any air in at all. I live on asthma inhalers and allergy tablets – which I am incredibly grateful for, because they actually mean that I can enjoy the spring time like a (mostly) normal person.

But the thing that gets me down the most is my grass allergy; yes, it makes me sneeze when I go outside/live in an area where there is a lot of different grasses growing tall and flourishing and not being mown and therefore spreading their seeds everytwhere (hint: here), but also, it gives me an awful, itchy RASH. I keep hearing people talk about the feeling of walking barefoot through the grass. And lying on the grass, looking up at the sky, watching the clouds or the stars. And I want to do it. But it just makes me so itchy.

I have a confession. Today, I did it anyway. I walked around my back yard. I felt the grass beneath my feet, and reveled in it. The cool blades wrapping around and between my toes, tickling the soles of my feet. I sat down. I even laid there for a minute or two before it started and I knew I had to get up. The itching is maddening. Thankfully, it’s just on my feet and legs. The blotchy redness is mocking me and I can hardly stop scratching for long enough to write this post.

And you know what the worst part is?

I know I’m going to do it all again. I’ll forget the itching and give in to the lure of the outdoors. When this rash goes away, probably tomorrow, I’ll decide it wasn’t so bad after all, but think to myself that I probably shouldn’t do it again all the same. And then in a few weeks’ time, the sun will be shining, the birds will be singing, the breeze will be just right and all I’ll want to do is go and lie down in the sun and soak it in (while wearing an appropriate amount of sunscreen/hats/etc, already been there, done that with the skin cancer nonsense). And I’ll be too silly to think of the simple solution that I should have thought of all along. Oh picnic blanket, how I wish I had thought of you earlier.

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5 Things That Are Making Me Happy Today #5

As I struggle to get used to blogging from my phone (ugh), I thought a good post to do today might be a continuation of my “5 Things That Are Making Me Happy Today” series (haha the word series used here is laughable!). So here goes.

1. That I am getting back into blogging after a long-ish break

2. That T and I finally have a house again!

3. That as of next week I will have a car of my own again and can stop relying so much on trains.

4. Our fence on one side of the house is being replaced and it looks so much better.

5. I got season 6 of The Big Bang Theory on DVD this week so I got to actually see the episodes! The DVD was just released here in Australia and I seriously loved the season!

What is making you happy today?

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